Tower of guilt
by The Lollipop Ghost
Summary: After the whomping willow incident the marauders where almost completely destroyed. None of the others have spoken to Sirius in months and he is staring to break. Will the other marauders discover this before it's to late?
1. Chapter 1

**Hello:-) I've wanted to write something like this for quite some time now, so I decided why not. I'm kinda exited since this is my first HP fanfic so I hope you like it:-)**

 **WARNING: This story contains mentions of suicide and some depressing thoughts.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or things would probably gone a lot different.**

Isn't it weird how fast things can change? How you can lose so much in so little time. One second, friends, the next second… Just from one little mistake?

Okay, so maybe his mistake hadn't been that small, and he really didn't blame them for hating him. Heck, _he_ hated himself right now. But it hurt, he hadn't spoken to his friends since the incident, and that was two months ago. Every time he tried to go near them, to apologise, they would look at him in disgust, before walking away. Not that he blamed them, he would turn away in disgust too.

The loneliness was the worst part. It seemed the whole school had turned against him. He guessed it was only fair though, he deserved loneliness. Really, he should have been expelled, they should have just sent him back to his horrible family. They would probably kill him, but he deserved no less, at least that way he wouldn't be able to hurt anyone ever again.

When he thought about it, he guessed his friends had been right. He was exactly like his family, why else would he be as selfish as to betray his best friends? It didn't make sense, but then again, nothing really did anymore. He couldn't keep up with school work, he was barely able to eat, and on those few occasions where he actually was able to g some sleep, all he saw was his friends disappointed faces. A mess, that's what he was.

...

It was another sleepless night and once again he found himself at the top of the astronomy tower. He was thin, and not just normal kind of thin. His eyes empty of emotion, except for a single tear every now and then. It was a clear night, perfect for star watching, although right now the idea only caused more grief to the boy.

He wondered if he should jump. It would be so easy to just end it all, to just let go. But he couldn't. He deserved the pain of having to live, the pain of seeing his friends every day, seeing their hateful glares thrown his way, knowing they never would forgive him. If only his family could have seen him now. The great Sirius Black, oh how far he had fallen. He wondered if they would even care if he died. Probably not, they'd most likely be happy to have him gone. Then at least Regulus would become the heir, the good son. Yeah, they would defiantly be pleased. Not that any of that mattered of course, for all he cared his whole family could rot in hell.

He stood up from where he had been sitting against the wall, and walked slowly over to the edge, leaning on the railing. Right now the railing was the only thing keeping him from falling to a certain death. Would he be missed? Would anyone even care? He wondered as he looked down to the ground far beneath him. He didn't think so.

It was weird, he had spent a lot of his time here since the incidence, these thoughts weren't new to him, but at the same time they had never felt more real. He didn't want to kill himself, didn't want that on him as well. But it was so tempting. Perhaps if he just leaned back and let the wind take him?

He sat down on top of the railing. The wind was blowing around him, the once clear night sky had been filled with clouds, and it had started raining. He sat there, totally relaxed, fingers getting numb from the cold. Just as he was about to lean back, to finally let go, he heard a voice shout out. "Sirius!"

…

Remus didn't know what had woken him. Everything was fairly quiet and nothing seemed out of place, except of course for the fact that Sirius wasn't there.

' _Sirius'_ Remus thought with a sigh. Nothing was really the same without him, he saw it in himself and he saw it in his other friends, Peter and especially James. It was hard enough for him to deal with, he was the one who had been betrayed the most, but James and Sirius was best friends, no they were brothers.

He could see the longing in James' eyes every time they passed Sirius in the corridors or they saw Sirius take a front seat instead of their usual spot in the back of the classroom.

He supposed that was why it was so hard to forgive him. Because of everything that had been broken.

Sirius worried him though. Just because they hadn't spoken in about two months didn't mean he hadn't kept eye on him, and he really didn't like what he saw.

It wasn't often he saw Sirius eating at the house table anymore. At first he hadn't thought anything over it, assumed he had just been too much of a coward to face them and rather went down to the kitchen for a snack. But when he saw Sirius now he looked so thin. And when it came to sleeping, well, the dark rings around his eyes said enough.

Just today when he had seen him. Sirius seemed so tired. Not that he hadn't tried to put on a façade though, but after years of knowing Sirius he saw straight through it. And no matter how angry he might have been with the other boy before, he felt truly concerned about him.

And while we talk about being concerned, Remus had a really bad feeling right now, and not just any ordinary bad feeling, but a really, really bad feeling. A bad feeling about Sirius.

…

Remus quickly found the map an opened it, looking frantically for Sirius' name anywhere on the map. He wasn't really that hard to find, but when he found him all the blood drained out of his face.

Remus went over to James' bed, shaking him awake.

"Moony, wha..?" James said still half asleep, before waking up for real once he saw the expression on Remus' face. "What's wrong?"

"James, it's Sirius, his in the astronomy tower, I think he's planning on jumping!"

Remus barely got to finish his sentence before James was out of bed and running towards the stairs, Remus following right behind.

…

"Sirius!"

The sight that met them was terrifying. Sirius was sitting on the rail, leaning backwards with a peaceful expression on his face. There was no doubt as to what he was about to do.

Just as they shouted his name, Sirius leant backwards just a little too much, and had just time to look up and see the terrified faces of his friends, before letting go.

And as James and Remus ran towards the edge where Sirius had fallen from less than a second ago, the only word running through their heads were _"NO!"_

 _..._

 **Mwahahahaha! Am I evil? Thought so. Anyways, should I make an ending to this story? And if so should it be good or bad? Maybe I should make one of both... Decisions, decisions. Tell me what you think ;-)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi everyone:-) Firs of all i wanna say that I'm so so so so so sooooo sorry! I know I said I would update, and I know I didn't. Anyways, here it is, hope you like it:-)**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own**

 **PS: Please don't kill me**

* * *

 _And as James and Remus ran towards the edge where Sirius had fallen from less than a second ago, the only word running through their heads were NO!..._

 _..._

They couldn't move. It was like they'd been turned into stone. All they could do was watch as Sirius, their former best friend, fell to his certain death. Why didn't they see this before, how much he was hurting?

It was like it took forever for Sirius to reach the ground, time had just… stopped. James couldn't help but look back at all the happy memories they had shared, when life was simple. He thought back to their first night at Hogwarts.

...

" _So you're a Black, huh?" James Potter looked down at the dark haired boy sitting on his new bed in what would be their second home for the next seven years._

" _Yeah, I guess so." The dark haired boy replied looking up at the boy standing in front of him, before looking down._

" _Cool, congrats on getting into Griffindor. I'm James by the way, James Potter." He held out his hand, and the other one stood up before shaking it. "Yeah, I know. The sorting hat kinda screamed our names for the whole school to hear. I'm Sirius Black." They smiled at each other._

" _So you really don't care that I'm a Black?" Sirius asked and sat down again with a relived expression on his face. James only laughed at that, and in a light voice he replied; "Nah, I don't really judge people that way. After all, it's who you really are that matters, not "who you are", if that made any sense." Sirius looked confused, so James decided to clear it up a little. "Okay, so if that guy over there was, for example, a werewolf," he started, pointing over his shoulder to a small looking boy with light brown hair who was currently talking to the last occupant of the room, a chubby little boy with blond-ish hair. "I would still go over and say hi, and try to make friends. It's not the outside that matters, it's the inside." As he finished his speech, he saw a light go up for Sirius, and he smiled._

" _Excuse me?" The two other boys had come over to them, and right now it was the shorter of them, the chubby boy with the blond hair, who had spoken. "Hi, I'm Peter Pettigrew and this is Remus Lupin," He said pointing to the taller boy behind him, who was looking a little uncomfortable with the attention. "It's nice to meet you."_

 _James and Sirius smiled at them before presenting them self. "You know what? I think we're going to be really good friends." And the rest of the night they sat up talking._

 _..._

That night seemed like a million years ago, yet he remembered every detail, as if it had happened only yesterday. That had been the beginning, the beginning of the marauders. He couldn't let it end now. As he remembered all those happy days, he drew his wand. Looking over at Remus he saw that he had done the same. Their eyes met, and simultaneously they cast the spell.

They saw Sirius stop mid-air, only a couple of feet from the ground, and as Sirius was brought to safety at the top of the tower, they finally let out a sigh of relief.

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!" Were the first words to come out of James mouth, as Sirius finally stood safely in front of them, looking about ready to collapse, but otherwise fine. "YOU COULD HAVE DIED!"

"I'm sorry." Sirius said in a small voice, that sounded both ashamed and confused at the same time. That was all it took.

Sirius broke down in tears. "I- I- I'm so sorry! P- please, Mo- Remus, I- I ne- never wanted thi- this to happen. P- please, be- believe me! I'm so, so sorry."

As they looked down at Sirius, tears streaming down his face, telling them over and over again how sorry he was, their hearts melted, and they found all their anger slowly slipping away.

"It's okay Sirius." Remus said gently, and embraced his former friend, and only a moment later James did the same thing.

The rest of it went in a blur. It mostly consisted of a lot of hugging and James and Remus trying to convince Sirius that they had actually forgiven him.

They spent the rest of the night in the tower, just talking and remembering the good old days. Everything perfect… perfect… _perfect_ …

* * *

James woke with a smile on his lips, which he hadn't done in ages. It was still late, somewhere around 3AM.

As on instinct he looked over at his friends, checking that they were safe. But as he laid eyes on Sirius empty bed his smile faltered, only to be replaced with tears a moment later.

All of Sirius things were gone by now, nothing left but an empty bed, and all the memories.

Memories. What good were memories? Sirius was gone. Memories only served as a painful reminder of their friend. Their friend who no longer would meet them with that barking laugh, no longer would come up with new ways to prank the Slytherins, no longer would drive them mad, complaining about his family. Their friend who no longer was.

It was weeks since it had happened, and James hadn't gone one night without having a nightmare, a nightmare of that night. This was actually the first good one. Bu in the end all it did was remind him of the failure that he was.

Why didn't he draw his wand? He was a wizard for crying out loud. The thought that he could have saved him, hurt almost as bad as the thought that he didn't.

But, a fact is a fact. No matter how much it hurt, no matter what they did, they couldn't change the past. And no matter how desperate they were, how much they prayed for a miracle, there was nothing that could be done.

Sirius Black was, and would be dead.

* * *

 **Yeah, I know, I'm evil. But what did you guys think? Good? Bad? Should I write another chapter? If so it would probably be the exact opposite of this, or I would find a way for them to save him. Don't really know yet. Please review.**

 **-Emmy**


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